Samples from TV Specials, Anniversaries, Monologues
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS roast at the ELTON JOHN – DAVID FURNISH Anniversary Event
- I was asked by David to roast Elton. They’ve been together for 25 years! I don’t want to say that the romance is gone but before going to bed, they shake hands.
- It’s time to retire. Back in the day, you could hit a high C and activate 3 women’s periods. Elton, when you sang it was the only time you ever made a woman happy.
- This is the kind of man who when his baby cried, Elton harmonized with him, told him he was flat, and said, “We’ll let you know.”
- You’re older, you’re fatter, and what are you wearing? You’re dressed like door number two on the Price is Right. Not the prize, the actual door.
- Recently Elton went on Jenny Craig and cracked 3 of her ribs.
- You know you’re a bad gay when you gag on your toothbrush.
- Usher is here. What would an evening be without Usher? I don’t know … probably all white?
- BTW, Robbie Williams, I’ve never met you before but I want you to know, I’m carrying mace.
ELLEN DeGENERES
- Who came up with tossing horseshoes? I guess it’s a lot easier than tossing an entire horse.
- You may have heard that a woman named Titi Pierce filed a lawsuit after I mispronounced her name to make a breast joke. I would like to publicly apologize to Titi and for full disclosure, I am also being sued by Richard Enball.
- I never had children. I couldn’t take the risk of them not being funny and I’m not spending 18 years fake-laughing in my own house.
Josh Rush – Disney’s ANDI MACK
- I love coffee. As a toddler, I had an Almond Milk -Venti baby bottle.
- My worst subject is history. Will I use anything they teach about? I’ve never won Candy Crush by knowing about the Louisiana Purchase.
- I was told you have to be twenty-four to volunteer as a mentor. What am I supposed to do for the next nine years? In two years, Disney is gonna give me a gold watch!
ONE-OFFs
- I think it’s disgraceful that after 50 years, people don’t know who Neil Armstrong is OR the type of trumpet he played.
- Donkey sex. Nay means nay.
- In Philly, I’m a six. In New York, I’m a four. In LA I am deceased.
- I never learn my AirBnB renter’s names. I just call them whatever I’m putting their money towards and Microwave leaves Thursday.
- Four out of five dentists surveyed said, “I should’ve been a lawyer”.
- HIM: Did u keep anything of your mother’s after she died? HER: Yes. Her plastic surgeon.
- HER: Does he want me back? HIM: He doesn’t want you front.
- GUY 1: What’s in the Staten Island water? GUY 2: Run-off cologne.